Introverted Extrovert

When I meet people, they assume that I am an outgoing social butterfly.  A peppy cheerleader who loves rallying the troops.  While I do love building people up and cheering for the underdog, the anxiety that I feel when faced with…. well, people, is sometimes crippling.  It is really bizarre.  I find that I have one foot in the “OH MY STARS, I can’t believe I get to hangout with my Salesforce Ohana” pool and the other foot in the “Must. Hide. Alone” pool.

One of my most treasured Ohana memories was the night of the Dreamfest 2016.  Instead of going to the concert, I had dinner with a small group of incredible souls.  There was something magical about that night that words can’t explain.  With the exception of the girl who invited me, everyone else was a stranger, but somehow quickly felt like friends.

That being said, at Destination Success 2017, I couldn’t bring myself to go to one dinner with the “group”.  It wasn’t even strangers.  I’d texted and chatted in the community, but when it was time to walk out of my hotel room and to the restaurant which wasn’t even off property, I couldn’t.  Three Dreamforces, countless SF training’s, two Destination Successes, and the list goes on.  I get myself there and then spiral in my head.

This anxiety isn’t just in the Salesforce Community.  I struggle with crowds.  I struggle with small groups.  I struggle going to birthday parties, church events, school functions.  Oddly, I don’t struggle as much with activities that I can blend in.  Recently, I went to see Cinderella and didn’t have an ounce of anxiety.  I think that I deal with two different anxieties.  Social, which I don’t know will ever go away, and fear.  Maybe I’ll write about the fear one another time.

Last year, I registered and paid for a Dreamforce breakfast and didn’t go.  It’s like I spend all this time looking forward to meeting these people that I respect, love, and look up to.  I get excited that I’ll finally get to know someone IRL that I’ve befriended in the community, or on social media and then, I freeze.  I panic and I bail.  The crazy thing is that regardless of how many times I’ve bailed, the Ohana still includes me.  I’m still wanted. I’m still invited.  Y’all, I want to face my giants.

I have hosted two meetings with the Chattanooga WIT User Group and didn’t feel anxiety with either one.  I am actually looking forward to our meeting next week.  This is HUGE.  I feel like the relationship with my anxiety is transforming.  Instead of giving it monster power that sends me hiding, I’m going to try to understand it.  To face it.  To love it.  I have to believe that even it has a purpose in my life.

TrailheaDX and my beloved Destination Success / boot camp is in a few weeks.  Who wants to sit with me at lunch, or meet for dinner?  OK, that made my palms tingle. Maybe I’m taking the easy way here since it will be a week of intense learning and studying, but I am going to try to engage with my people more than I retreat to my room.

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Friday Feels

My sweet friend, Jules, gifted me with a perpetual inspiration calendar over 10 years ago. The thought for June 2 is by Gloria Gaither and reads, “Memories, important yesterdays, were once todays.  Treasure and notice today.” and it got me thinking.  “Todays” can be hard, y’all.  Life can be hard.  While my world isn’t perfect, it is pretty damn close.

I have the best family and friends out there.  Seriously, my husband is a smart, kind, hilarious, logical, and loves me as is.  To him, I’m perfection.  Don’t even get me started on my sweet Luke… everyday, I get to see this 15 year old boy man love the world like Jesus does and I find myself blown away that I was chosen to be his momma.

I am a Salesforce Admin which makes me a part of the maddest tribe known to man.  I get to stand with, support, and be supported by a wizard, theGifSquad, Trailhead, AwesomeAdmins, OHANA.  I mean, rarely is there a day, Sunday – Saturday, that I don’t have some sort of interaction with my Ohana. Can you say. “DREAM JOB”?

So, yeah – my world is pretty great, but…. it can still be hard.

This week, I’ve felt overwhelmed, guilty, sad, hurt, motivated, blocked, less than, wanted, ignored, funny, smart, frustrated, loved, burdened, hopeful, scared, psychotic, worried, joyful, and the list truly goes on and on.  When you love big, when you think big, when you live big, you freaking feel big and my goal is to do a better job at appreciating that.

If you have found yourself in the middle of a blessed life, but still finding that life can be tough, I hope that it helps to know that you aren’t alone.  This girl is cheering in your corner and certain that you’re kicking butt.

Notice TODAY.

Treasure TODAY.

Even if TODAY feels like this:

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It is the hard “todays” that become the “important yesterdays”.